No Comm, No Problem: How to Start Your Own Lolita Comm

While some lolitas are lucky enough to have access to a local pre-existing comm, some of us are not quite as blessed. However, just because there’s NOT an established comm doesn't mean there CAN’T be one. This also goes for reviving dead communities, as I know many lolitas go to search for their local comm only to discover it has been dead for years. 

Full disclaimer, I can’t promise that this will work for every community, but this is what has worked for mine.

Source: Saoirse Clohessy

Things to ask yourself

Is there an existing local comm?

If you’re not sure if there’s a comm in your area, check the directory. It’s also worth checking 

old livejournal masterlists to see if there’s a history of lolitas in your area. If you can find their social media it’s worth checking to see if they’re still there or if they’ve moved away.

If a comm already exists in your area, there’s no need to create a new one. I’ve seen many an offshoot comm formed by those displeased by their community’s pro-concrit and anti-repica stances and they’re always a disaster at best. Try hosting your own meets if you dislike the way others run theirs. 

If the comm exists and is dead, you can always try to revive it! If you notice any members that still participate in lolita, maybe try reaching out to them and seeing if they know of anyone else who might be interested in breathing some life back into the comm. 

Do you have the experience to run/form a comm?

If the answer is no, wait until you do. I’m not saying you have to have the best coordinates in the world, but as flight attendants say, “Put your mask on before helping others.” If you are just working on your first coord, wait until you have your feet underneath you. Remember that by forming this group, you’re taking on a role of responsibility and you want your comm members to respect you.

Source

Forming the Comm

Analyze your location.

Is there potential for a comm? 

I’ll be honest, not all cities and towns are created equally. The larger the city, the higher the probability of other lolitas.  The higher the population of a given area, the more likely it is to have lolitas. Large cities often serve as a gathering place for lolitas from smaller surrounding towns to congregate. Unfortunately, it’s highly unlikely that small towns will have the lolita population required to sustain a comm. 

Is there a college in town? 

According to this survey by Raine Dragon (See the results here) 32.7% of lolitas are aged 18-24 - the age that most people attend college. College students - while not known for their abundance of disposable income - make up a significant portion of the community. Chances are, if there’s a college near you, there’s probably a few lolitas there as well.

Meet new friends to join the comm.

Look for local conventions or nerd-based events

Even if there’s no J-fashion programming, simply dressing up screams “I AM HERE!” and you act as a beacon for other lolitas (or potential lolitas). By some sheer dumb luck, I managed to meet three lolitas at my first full convention. While this wasn’t the first time I’d ever attended this specific con, it was the first time I’d ever seen other lolitas in town. I got their contact information and we kept in touch to plan the first meetup.

Wear the fashion as much as you can. 

I’m serious. Wear it any time you can. Wear it to go to the grocery store, classes, out for lunch, etc. I’ve met several members of my comm just by running errands in my coords. The easiest way to recognize another lolita is when they’re wearing it. Usakumya phone charms are subtle but nothing screams “I’M A LOLITA” louder than…wearing lolita. Recently I found out an acquaintance (and hopefully future friend and comm member) of mine decided to enroll in our college BECAUSE SHE SAW ME WALKING AROUND IN LOLITA. You can’t make that up. 

Get involved with other lolita communities. 

Source

If you have other communities within travelling distance and the ability to travel, I cannot recommend this enough. Attend meets and make friends. Make it known where you’re from. Not everyone who attends meets is local to the comm they’re a part of. When I attend meets with my “big comms”, I travel anywhere from one to two hours just to make it to the meet. Ask your fellow frillies where they’re from! There’s a good chance at least one of them is from your area. 

You can also ask in online lolita communities! If you can’t attend meets, you can still post in local lolita facebook/discord groups. Before doing so, make sure to search to see if the question has been asked before. 

Source

You have found people to join your comm...now what?

Establish a consistent line of contact. 

For most comms this is a Facebook page. Create a group where you will consistently post updates about meets and submit it to the lolita comm masterlist once your comm is large enough to publish.  Once your comm has more people, consider creating a discord server.

Start hosting meets!

Once you’ve got another member or two, it’s time to start hosting meets. I actually recommend starting to host meets as soon as possible.  The longer you wait to host a meet, the harder it will be to get people to attend. Even if it’s just a few people, it’s best to get the ball rolling as soon as possible. The first meet I hosted with my local comm was attended by three other lolitas. We met at a semi-local garden shop with a cafe that served high tea. Local cafes, gardens, parks, boba tea shops, and other areas make fantastic spots for meetups. My town is particularly bare of lolita-suitable restaurants, so we usually just hang out in the local downtown area and see where that takes us. Use the first meet to brainstorm with the other members. Come up with an idea of things you’d all like to do together. Get other members involved and find things that sound exciting for everyone.

After the first meet, immediately plan another. You want to keep the momentum you’ve started. Since my comm is still small, I try to aim for monthly meets so that the members aren’t overwhelmed. I find that a meet a month is typical for many small to medium sized communities. You want to keep your members invested without feeling overburdened with constant meetups. As the founder of a comm, it will be your job to host the majority of the meetups for the foreseeable future. 

Source

Moving Forward

Now that you’ve got a comm, it’s time to work on retaining members. It’s important to foster a welcoming environment at meets so new members aren’t driven off due to cliques. While hanging out with your friends may seem harmless, it’s important to make sure everyone feels welcomed. 

Whenever a new lolita attends a meetup, make it a point to hang out with them for the day. 

Make sure they’re included in conversation and introduce them to the other members! While it’s true I would usually prefer to sit next to my best friend at the tea party, it’s more important newcomers feel included and welcomed at their first meet. If they have a good time they’ll probably be interested in future events.

Keep in contact! 

Out of all of the members in my comm, the ones I talk to the most outside of meets are the ones that are the most likely to attend meets. Reach out to members you haven’t seen in a while and invite them to upcoming meets. Sometimes it’s just nice to have someone WANT you to attend meets.

Be considerate of when and where you’re planning meets. 

Keep things like temperature, weather forecasts, dietary restrictions, and physical accommodations in mind when choosing locations for meets. Ask beforehand about things like food allergies, vegan/vegetarian options, wheelchair accessibility, and other important info. It’s better to prepare in advance than to scramble for a benadryl when someone eats something they shouldn’t have.

Brainstorm CONSTANTLY 

Modding a comm is a LOT of work. I personally keep a list of interesting places for meets so I have events ready to go whenever I need them.  Don’t be afraid to brainstorm with your comm. Ask your fellow lolitas for ideas. Your comm is a valuable resource - use it! What do people want to do and when? 

Be flexible

Not all comms have access to cute and trendy cafes or tea shops. Learn to make the best of whatever you’ve got locally! My comm often hangs out in the local downtown area and grabs drinks at a small hipster cafe. It’s best to be flexible and learn to work with what you’ve got. 

Hopefully these tips will have you a budding comm in no time! Don’t be discouraged by slow growth - it takes time for communities to establish themselves. I believe in you!

Stay Sweet!

~Sugar Cube

Mocha’s List of Fantastic Meetup Ideas

I love a good tea party, but sometimes sitting around eating overpriced sandwiches and leaf water gets a little stale. Here are some fun (and possibly off-the-wall) activities and tea party themes I’ve brainstormed for your future meetup. 

1.) Spill The Tea Party: a Pride themed tea party 

It’s no secret that much of the lolita community is composed of LGBTQ+ members. Skip a hot and sweaty summer parade for a colorful tea party in the cool indoors. Try making that rainbow layered cake you’ve saved on your Pinterest for months. Make a batch of confetti scones and rainbow sorbet punch. Sprinkle rainbow colored confetti on your table cloth and brew some glittery tea with rainbow sugar crystals on the side. 

For activities, set up a colorful photo booth with Pride flags for members to take photos with and encourage members to wear colorful coords. Prepare colorful yarn or beads and string to make Pride themed friendship bracelets together. 

2.) Victorian Seance

Spiritualism was a big part of the Victorian period and many lolitas love olden times and the macabre. For your next Halloween meetup, get together for some good old fashion spoopy times. Play around with a Oujia board or do an Oracle or Tarot card reading (whether done by a professional fortune teller or with your own deck - by the way, Jane Austen decks exist!). Extra spook points if you do these activities at a Goth picnic in the cemetery. For a very lolita appropriate flare, give tasseomancy a try. 

Wandering Spirit Tarot Deck by Haenuli

3.) Brand Mascot Party 

Got a jumbo usakumya that doesn’t get out much? Time to bring it to a mascot themed meetup! But this meetup isn’t just limited to Usakumyas and Kumakumyas. Encourage guests to bring and/or wear prints of whatever lolita brand animal mascot that ever existed to the party - whether it’s Captain Chris, Judy-Sophie-and-Lillian, or Milk-chan or Lyrical Bunny or Punkuma! This is also a furtastic time to wear animal ears or prints and head to the zoo. 

Source: Liemzie

4.) A Mid-20th Century Affair

Honestly, I’m not sure what to call it, but basically you and your friends get together for a 1950s inspired meetup. Wear vintage inspired coords featuring polkadots and poodles, learn to play Bridge, and try some vintage cocktails (or mocktails) with some questionable Betty Crocker recipes from our grandmother’s time. But if you can’t stomach Jell-o Tuna Salad, you might want to prepare some of Hollywood’s Golden era cake recipes to drown out the taste. 

5.) Bakery Crawl 

If you live in an area with a lot of bakeries and pastry shops, plan to hit as many as you can with your community, and encourage guests to wear prints with dessert themes. 

6.) Host a Murder Mystery Game

Murder Mystery events are pretty popular among the historical reinactment crowd. However, if a three-course dinner with a bunch of strangers sounds unappealing to you and your community, host a murder mystery tea party instead. And instead of the usual themes like the Roaring 20s, you can make your own storyline that’s more lolita friendly - for example, it can be 18th century themed and people can dress in their finest OTT Rococo inspired coords or just a lolita one where evidence can be lolita related (like death by parasol or smothered by jumbo Usakumya- get creative!). Guests can prepare their own characters ahead of time or you can prepare it for them. If making up a story on your own seems daunting, you can purchase pre-made murder mystery kits online. 

7.) College Party

Here’s one of my more far-fetched ideas: a college party meetup minus the bros

Hear me out: imagine getting together with a bunch of lolitas at a house to play beer pong, social drinking games, and stuffing a bunch of petticoated people in a tiny kitchen to gossip over drinks. If anyone ever decides to do this, be sure to set up safety measures like ID-ing people, limiting alcoholic drinks to what’s provided, preparing plenty of snacks (or potluck!), and preparing safe rides home or sleeping space (if you’re extra cautious, you can set up a small security deposit for things like brand or house damage - but hopefully it’ll be more cozy than wild). 

For a more age-inclusive meetup, non-alcoholic drinks can be served instead (think fancy bottled sodas). If you want to make this meet more lolita than normie-centric, use lolita themes in the drinking games, and tea cups instead of solo cups for beer pong. You can also arrange a scavenger hunt and split your guests into groups of two with fake Greek house names like Usakumya Phi and Baby Sigma Psi.

8.) Tabletop Role Playing Meet

And yes, I mean Dungeons and Dragons, but don’t feel like you have to limit your characters to dwarves and elves. Curate a more kawaii version of classic tabletop games like using magical girls instead of the usual paladins and bards. Just be sure to leave plenty of time for you and your guests to prepare their characters before the meetup. If fighting evil by moonlight isn’t your idea of fun, consider purchasing Good Society, a Jane Austen inspired roleplaying game full of intrigue and scandal. For a comfy card game, look into playing The Tea Dragon Society. 

DnD Dice by Forbidden Snacky

9.) Royal Court Theme

Have an OTT Royalty themed meetup where everyone is encouraged to dress up in their most opulent. I’m talking crowns, scepters, capes, sashes, and floofy bell-shaped sleeves! For fun and games, bring out Pretty Pretty Princess or Settlers of Catan, or explore your local tabletop gaming shop for similar fantasy-kingdom inspired games. 

OPULEEEENCE! YOU OWN EVERYTHING!

(Image from Pose)

10.) Celebrate an Unusual Holiday

Did you know that there’s a National Handmade Cookie Day? Sounds like a day for the perfect baking meet! If you love Honey Cake, wear it out for a brunch meet on National Pancake Day. Support your local donut shop while wearing Melty Cream Donuts on National Donut Day, or bust out Diner Doll at the diner on National Vanilla Milkshake Day! If you can’t do a Halloween meet, October 29th is National Cat Day. Encourage everyone to wear a cat print and support your local cat cafe. There’s no shortage of ideas of what you can do! 

That’s all for now for my list of meetup themes and ideas. Let me know if you’ve tried any of these ideas and how it went, or if you have any other great ideas for fun meets!

Thanks for reading!

Mocha

How to Host a Lolita Meetup

 

(Image from @salonwonderteatime)

One thing we sometimes forget about lolita fashion is that it’s not only a fashion (though that is the main aspect) but there’s also a community behind it!  Lolita meetups are a great way to find inspiration for your own coords, talk about a hobby you enjoy with likeminded people and sometimes make good friends even out of the fashion. :)  At the moment, it is still not necessarily safe to have meetups in person yet, but here is a guide for hosting your own meetup once it is safe again.  

First, here are some things to consider before hosting a meetup:

    1.) Is there a certain person in charge of meetups in your community? Or can anyone plan and host a meetup?

    2.) Do you have the time and mental strength to host a meetup? If you feel like you aren’t up the challenge yourself, you can always ask more experienced lolitas for help co hosting! 

    3.) What are your meetup goals? Do you have a certain activity you would like to do such as seeing a certain movie or going to an event together?

The next step is actually planning the meetup!

See if there is any interest in a meetup at all.

Before putting in all the effort of hosting a meetup, see if anyone is actually interested in one. Meetups can be fun at any size but it’s always good to know how many people will be joining you. 

How can you see if there’s any interest? Simply ask on your community page! Something along the lines of “Hey, there’s this cool movie/event coming up soon. Would anyone like to go together?”

Remember that it’s easy to mark yourself as “Going” on a Facebook event and then forgetting about it, so don’t be shy about posting reminders about the event and even sending people a message to make sure that they plan on coming after they mark themselves as attending.

Set a date and a venue.

Now that you have some people interested in a meetup, it’s time to decide on a date and venue! If the event isn’t time sensitive, you have a lot of wiggle room in deciding when and where your meetup will be.

I advise on starting a poll with some date options and venue options about a month before when you want to hold the meetup, or even longer in advance if the meetup is planned around a popular event/holiday such as Halloween or a convention.

Make sure to choose dates that you yourself can attend, since after all, you want to be able to enjoy your own meetup, right?

(Image from @salonwonderteatime)

Always be sure to research the venue and see if a downpayment is required or if you will need to book tickets in advance. If the venue has an age requirement (such as 18+ or 21+) make sure that your guests meet those requirements! 

If the venue serves food, make sure that people with any special dietary requirements (such as allergies, vegan or religious diets) also have something they can enjoy. I recommend posting the venues menu and price range so people can prepare in advance.

I recommend scouting the venue area to find a suitable meeting place and taking note of landmarks so you can direct people to the meetup. If possible, add pictures of the area or a short video of how to arrive is always helpful.

When hosting a meetup outside, it is important to make sure that there are basic amenities such as shade, a place to sit and water fountains, or to ask whoever is attending to bring a blanket and bottle of water with them. Also make sure that you are prepared for any mishap that might happen, such as an umbrella if it may rain. Extra water and bandages are also a good idea to have on hand.

If your meetup is being hosted indoors, such as at a restaurant, make sure that the venue is aware that you will be arriving in a group and may need more space because it is a fashion meetup. If you feel uncomfortable, you do not need to mention which fashion outright. Saying 'vintage fashion' should give most places enough information to suit your needs. 

Another thing to always keep in mind is transportation! Remember that public transportation may be crowded or not available during certain dates and hours. Make sure to remind people to arrange transportation to and from your meetup so no one is stuck behind.

Set some meetup rules.

Rules are important to make sure that everyone can enjoy the meetup safely. Here are some basic rules I usually use, so feel free to use them yourself and add any additional rules that you feel are necessary!

1.Please wear lolita fashion (Or adjacent fashion such as ouji) to the meetup!

Not sure what you want to wear is considered lolita / ouji? Post your questions here or in the main community page and we will be happy to help.

This rule is important because unless you are hosting a meetup for newbies, you want actual lolitas at your meetups and not just curious onlookers who aren’t part of the fashion.

2. Please do not share the event outside of the community page.

This rule is another way to prevent people who don’t wear lolita from crashing your meetups.

3. Please address people politely using their pronouns. If you are not sure in which pronoun to use, please ask in a respectful manner, and from those who are asked, please also answer in a respectful manner.  Please remember that we all respect each other and if there is a mistake in speech it will not be something personal against someone.

Anyone of any gender can wear lolita and it is important to always be respectful of other people.

4. Please do not touch people or their clothes without permission! And do not harass them if they do not agree.

Lolita clothes can be expensive, and even if they weren’t, it is completely within your right to tell people not to touch you or your belongings.

5. Regarding photos - of course there is no obligation to be a part of the group photos and you can ask to not be photographed.

However, it is important to remind people that if they are in a public place, there is a high probability that people will take their pictures without asking. Unfortunately, it is not possible to always prevent this but it is your full right to comment to anyone who does so!

If only we could pixelate our faces IRL...

6. Be nice to other people, not just group members 🙂

Lolitas often get approached by people asking about our clothes, especially when there is a group of lolitas, since it looks pretty unusual to casual onlookers! So remember to be nice to curious people as long as they are respectful to you (You are more than welcome to ignore anyone being offensive of course!).

7. For events that require pre-registration, please notify the event host at least X days in advance if you cannot attend the meetup.

Last minute cancellations and flakes can create problems in organizing group events. I recommend setting up a small meetup reservation fee to make sure that only people who are serious about attending will sign up for the meetup. I usually set the reservation fee at around $3. You can then use this fee towards paying a tip if the meet is being hosted in a restaurant, or buying a small gift for each attendee. If you set a reservation fee, make sure to clearly state how this fee will be used!

If the venue requires a deposit you can split the amount between the attendees. Make sure to also clearly state a final date for cancellation/refunds.

Now that you have a date, a venue and some rules, what should you do during the meetup itself?

Remember that you are the host of the meetup, so make sure that people arrive at the meetup location safely and answer any questions they may have about directions. 

If a new member is joining the community, help them socialize and introduce them to people so they don’t feel alienated (Not sure what to talk about? Here are some great icebreakers!).

If you are hosting a meetup outside, please remind people to help you clean up after the meetup so you can leave the area as you found it.

Don’t be disheartened if the meetup isn’t huge, or if things don’t go exactly as planned. Hosting a meetup takes practice and work, so be proud of your efforts and remember to have fun!

Here’s hoping that face to face meetups are back again soon!

-Milk Tea

Virtual Meet Ice Breaker Questions

For some of us, meets have mostly gone virtual, and sometimes that leads to awkward moments of silence. Here are 50 prompts and questions you can use for your next meet to keep the energy going:

1. When and how did you discover lolita?

2. What style did you first fall in love with?

3. How has your style evolved from when you started to now?

4. What is a style you like, but were too afraid to try for any reason? 

5. What is your dream meetup?

6. Do you remember the first time you've seen a brand piece in person? What was it?

7. If you are not a lonelita, describe your first meetup? Last in-person meetup?

8. What was the best compliment you got from a stranger while out in lolita?

9. What was the weirdest/worst comment received while out in lolita?

10. What is your current style/wardrobe goal(s)?

11. If you could design a print, would it be?

12. Show us your favorite main piece.

13. Show us your favorite accessory.

14. What main piece do you wear the most? 

15. What main piece have you worn the least?

16. Show us your oldest main piece (either by age of the piece or longest you've had it).

17. Show us your latest purchase(s).

18. What was the weirdest thing you've done while wearing the fashion? 

19. What were the best and worst meetups you've been to?

20. Name a pet peeve you have with the fashion.

21. Name your favorite thing that you love about the fashion.

22. How long does it normally take for you to get ready in lolita/ouji?

23. What's something about you that seems very "un-lolita"? (Ex: hobbies, interests).

24. Name a very "lifestyler" hobby or interest.

25. If any of us were to visit your hometown right now (assuming there's no pandemic), where would you take us for a meetup?

26. What are your non-wardrobe lolita goals? (Ex: meeting Misako, going to Japan, hosting your first meet, going to a lolita con, etc.).

27. How do you dress outside of lolita/ouji?

28. Do you have an in-person meetup plan when things are safe again?

29. What is your favorite afternoon tea menu item?

30. Do you have a favorite kind of tea or tea brand?

31. What brand tea party have you attended? If you've yet to attend, what brand tea party would you like to go to the most?

32. What dead brand would you like to see come back from the grave?

33. Show us a "red-headed stepchild" wardrobe piece. 

34. If you could give one lolita advice to your babbylita self, what would it be?

35. Name one thing that would be different about your life had you never got into lolita.

36. How does your family feel about the fashion? 

37. What is the most common motif in your wardrobe?

38. What color(s) dominate your wardrobe?

    

39. What's your favorite lolita related video on YouTube?

40. Who is your favorite lolita YouTuber?

41. If you were to do a PowerPoint presentation on anything you're most interested in outside of lolita, what would it be?

42. How have you obtained most of your wardrobe? (Ex; second hand, taobao, BNWT, handmade, indie brands.).

43. What normie celebrity would you love to see wearing lolita or ouji? 

44. If you had to start your wardrobe all over again, how would you go about it? 

45. What is your “getting ready in lolita” routine like?

46. Have you ever gotten anyone interested in wearing the fashion?

47. What is your favorite era in fashion?

48. What is a lolita trend you wish came back in fashion?

49. Show us your favorite coord (whether your own or someone else’s).

50. Describe your dream coord. 

    

Feel free to use any or all of these for your next meetup (whether in-person or over a video chat). You can randomize the questions or go through the list. Let us know in the comments if you have any suggestions for ice-breaker prompts and questions, or if you found this list useful!

Thanks for reading!

Mocha

You've Been Posted to an Imageboard. Now What?

“They said I farted at the meetup and that I smell like a hamster...”

It's never a good surprise to realize you've been posted on an imageboard. You're browsing, and next thing you know,you see a picture of yourself with a not so pleasant comment. Maybe some people even seem to agree with it, maybe they're even spreading rumors about how they heard you did ‘this and that’. Now, you might panic at the sight of your reputation being seemingly tarnished, but not to worry, here is what to do:

Step 1: Chill out
Think about it rationally. Those people are more often than not just strangers on the internet that you don't know or care about in the first place (in case you suspect you do know some of them, now is a good time for a cleanup). Would you care if a random passerby thought you looked weird? No? So why care that some random person on the internet thinks your coord is ugly, or that your teeth are crooked? For all you know, they might not even be actual lolitas, and the comments agreeing might even be the same person posing as different people. Point is, it's not always as bad as it seems to be.

Step 2: Thou shalt not whiteknight
When you get posted somewhere, it can be tempting to defend yourself (or whoever has been posted for that matter,especially if it's someone you know and like). Don't do it. Don't even talk about it on social media. All it will do is draw more attention to you and drag this situation out. The more you ignore it, the quicker it'll go away. If you feel the need to talk about it,talk about it with trusted friends (and tell them to not defend you either).

Step 3: Close the tab and move on
I can hear you say "But what if I'm anxious, and keep refreshing and going back to check?" and to that, I raise you this: At the end of the day, no matter what you do, someone will always be talking smack. Here, you just happen to be able to see it. There will always be people that don't like you for seemingly no good reason, but you can't just obsessively check all image boards every single day to make sure nobody is talking about you. That'd be irrational. The best kind of thing to do if you can't keep your eyes away is to find something to occupy your hands and your mind. Play a video game, watch a movie, make art, do something. Image board discussions go by quickly, and in one week no one will even remember it because they’ll have moved on (and so should you).

Extra step: Think about it
Being posted is not always bullying or vendetta. Sometimes it's valid (although harsh) criticism. It all depends on how it is formulated. Sometimes, you need to look at it objectively: Maybe they are right and those shoes could use a little clean up, maybe you should style your hair next time, maybe you should pay more attention so your dress isn't overstuffed or wrinkly, and so on. Even if they come off as rude, some comments can give you something to think about to improve yourself.

That’s about it for now, see you!

- Biscuit -